For you.

This post was previously written on the 9 year Anniversary of my Uncle’s passing.

It’s 10:32 in the morning and the weather is 74 degrees with sun and some clouds.

“I can’t touch you but I can cry when you cry. I can miss you. I can love you and I will. Always.”

I was 20 years old when you passed away 9 years ago and it’ll be a lifetime until l see you. You weren’t just my Uncle, but my very best friend. We had an unbreakable bond that nobody could ever break. You were so funny, hated goodbyes, smoked more cigarettes than I’ve ever seen, loved watching Basketball, needed to know the time and weather when you were in the hospital for four months because you lost touch with your surroundings, always told me to date a man that wears a belt (or they’re a loser) & cackled whenever you saw a really good commercial which I could hear from all the way upstairs. I hope you’re happily tanning somewhere on a beach with Ma & Pop. Thanks for your constant signs… when you show yourself in other people and the funny dreams you’re in to remind me love is always validated even after death. I’d give anything to take you to the nail salon and watch you happily get a pedicure. I miss your beef stroganoff that you’d only make for me & the burned chicken is a tradition around here. Leave me a place next to you wherever you are, even though I’ll be 105 when I get there 😂💔🌙


Growing up

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted.

I am rapidly approaching the next decade of my life and for the first time in my life, I am truly looking forward to it. There will be so many amazing opportunities and adventures with ease, with more confidence, with more healthy relationships and truly not caring about anyone’s opinion that doesn’t matter to my life. What I’m truly tired with is supporting people and rooting for others when it’s not reciprocated back to me in my life.

For so long, I’ve chased after people (both with friendships and relationships with men) and lately I feel that was a huge part of my 20s. I was always left feeling empty, feeling guilty and feeling this void. The people that are in my life currently that aren’t there to cheer me on when something amazing happens, or even stand by me when the worst has occurred has bothered me significantly in the past year. I guess it’s just about getting older and realizing sometimes you’re truly left on your own to cheer yourself on.

I’m starting to accept that at my wedding someday I probably won’t have anybody stand next to me when I marry the man of my dreams because in all reality, he really is the ONLY ONE good enough to stand there with me. He really has always been the there next to me since we have met and that’s enough for me. I don’t have a best girl friend or someone I can rely on enough to know the ins and outs of myself, even better than I know, because there is nobody to fill those shoes. For so long, that has haunted me. I used to kill myself with anxiety and thoughts thinking.. “Wow, The girl at her own wedding with no good enough friends to stand next to me cheering me on.” But I guess I need to accept that is no fault of my own. Most people are true jackholes and truly don’t care about your success and definitely don’t care about your failures. But if you have one really good person in your life that makes up for all of that, then you’ve won at life. So in my case, I’ve won everything.

Thank you for being there for me. I can think back on some of the truly awful moments in my life and you’ve been my constant ride or die. I’ve thought back on an endless amount of happy moments, happy tears and you’ve always been there. I am endlessly thankful for your support. I don’t know how you do it but you talk me off the ledge every single time with your love and devotion. You’re just pure magic and I don’t know what I’d do without you but I promise to never stop being grateful for you and our amazing life together.



I am happy to say that I’m in a really good place in my life. I began a new job two weeks ago and it has changed my life for the better. All of the things and misfortunes that have led me to this moment were ridiculous but I guess not a lot of good things always come easy right? Personally, I felt like it took me a lifetime to find my one true love and the past (almost two years 😉) have changed my life so much for the best. As far as professionally, it took me a very long time to figure out exactly what I wanted to do. After a lot of persistence and determination plus so many setbacks and disappointments, I literally had the job I wanted, handed to me. They wanted me. They saw something in me that would be the best fit. I had to go through a process, which I was afraid would take so long, but it was pretty straightforward and after being fingerprinted on a Friday morning, two weeks ago, I figured it would be another week before I could begin working. Not even a full 12 hours had passed that Friday and I got the awesome news that I had been approved and could start work that Monday.

It is rare that I get a lot of things I have wanted in my 29 years of life. But that moment, I cried tears of insanely happy joy. The truly best part about it was having my boyfriend right there next to me to share in all of that happiness and joy. I read the email, gasped and was so shocked and surprised. All that aggravation of never being wanted, or not being qualified enough or just not it being meant to be, led me to that particular moment of insane happiness. I was so proud of myself. My boyfriend was so proud of me. My family and friends were proud of me. But the most important was that I was so proud of myself. I am finally content with myself. I am happy with who I am and I’ve fought so hard to become her.

Here is some backstory leading up to that incredible message of proud triumph. I emailed the Director randomly one day about two years ago, wanting a job to work with her. She replied almost instantly, very nicely. She told me I looked qualified on paper, but just didn’t have any spots open but she would keep me in mind. Perfect I thought. Luckily, she kept her word. I emailed her occasionally over the following months and still no positions. Last September, she called me personally asking if I was still interested. I told her I literally just began a job the day before but thanked her endlessly for thinking of me. Luckily, that particular job ended up making me so miserable that I left a couple months later. But I realized after working in that place, what I truly didn’t want. The money was nice but the people and the responsibilities of the job bore me to death. I went on a business trip away and I couldn’t believe how bored I was and thinking how would I last any longer being there. Luckily right before I turned 29, I was able to leave and was so content with my decision. I continued to email the Director, letting her know I was looking again and please keep me in mind. And she did. A few months ago, I went for an interview for a job, recommended by this Director I had been in contact with all along. I could absolutely do the job, but when I think back on it now, I deserved more…. and I think they realized that too.  I just has to wait a little longer but my persistence had paid off. So here we are, the end of the Summer and I’m sitting in my room, feeling hopeless because I truly don’t know what my calling is or if I will ever figure it out. I wanted to be a police officer and went through all the necessary protocol needed, but it just wasn’t in the cards for me. So I kept hoping, I continued to pray for solace and comfort. So it’s the week of my beloved Uncle’s 9 year anniversary since he’s passed. It’s Friday and I’m sitting there applying to jobs (that I don’t truly want but hey it’s a paycheck). I get a phone call and it’s the place I’ve been wanting to work at. She asks me if I’m interested in this particular position, to come in for an interview with the woman I have been emailing for years. I am beyond excited. But I’m nervous because in my life, 99% of the things don’t work out for me so I’m trying to be nonchalant about it. I go for the interview, finally meeting this woman I have been corresponding with and when we meet I tell her “Finally”. So she tells me about the position, I am so happy about it and I go home. It had more pros than cons (which is so important when considering big decisions) so she tells me she will let me know the following day, which is even more superb because most interviews you never hear anything back and I was happy she was so eager to give me a life changing opportunity so I kept my fingers crossed and prayed all of this heartache would finally lead me to a great career. The following morning, I’m checking my emails, taking care of things and I see her email that she was offering me the opportunity. I was so distracted by what I was doing that I saw the email thinking oh man she’s emailing me to let me down gently. I open it up and it was almost like I was looking at myself read the email and have a shocked and surprised look on my face. And then flash forward two weeks later and I am getting the email that I can start that Monday, earlier than expected.

Moral of my whole ridiculously long story? Don’t ever give up. If you want something, you go for it. You’ll probably end up on many detours and wrong ways and everything that was never promised to you. Would I do it over again? Probably because I wouldn’t have became so determined and persistent with this woman. I wanted to work with her so I went to the source. Don’t ever be afraid to go right to the top and ask for an opportunity. I am telling you that they are people just like anyone else and if you show how much you care and are persistent, they will remember you. I literally was handed my job without me asking. I didn’t need to give references because she saw who I was in a 20 minute interview. And to be ending my second week working there and being so wanted and appreciated makes me feel even better. I have such a rewarding position. No day is ever the same. So don’t ever stop praying. Because good things will happen to you especially when you do all of the right things.


Always keep fighting

This post was previously written and edited with a few minor adjustments.

24 years ago, I was 5 years old. My mother made a doctor’s appointment for me because I had been sick with a cold for a month and still wasn’t feeling right, and my mom, god bless her, knew that something was truly wrong with me. After an attempt to see a doctor and he told me everything was absolutely okay, which was not and could have resulted in me not being here today. I remembered watching The Lion King and couldn’t finish it. We went to the doctor, she checked my blood sugar and it was off the charts. I was officially diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, my life forever changed. I also was ordered to be taken to the hospital to begin immediate treatment.

All I can remember is how frightened I was. I sat on my mom’s lap during intake, took good observations over everyone in the hospital and realized at this moment, how much I truly hate to be touched, poked, prodded, and even looked at….still to this day.

Anytime my mom left the room to go talk to someone or do something, she would leave me at the nurse’s station because I was horrified of the doctors coming in gawking at me. I had a doll with me since I was born, I had brought her with me but I hadn’t quite named her yet. I just called her “Baby” but she was definitely a source of comfort for me.

Luckily, 24 hours later we were able to go home from the hospital because my mom learned everything necessary. We came home and she wrote in notebooks every blood sugar taken and the amount of insulin needed and all the details needed to adjust. Still to this day, I have yet to be admitted into a hospital and I take such pride knowing that.

Constant shots giving me insulin, a new life to be adjusted to, no more sugary drinks or snacks and careful observation of my body’s new reaction to this annoying medical condition I never asked for. But there’s a reason why I got it and hopefully one day I will know why I was chosen. Maybe God knows I was such a strong human being, and such a badass that I could handle anything… And everything this annoying disease would bestow upon me.

I was in 1st grade when I was diagnosed, and let me tell you, it was not fun. I was suddenly the kid who was always and forever quiet, but now I couldn’t eat sugar or drink anything the “normal” kids were drinking. Grammar school was rough. Every year my mom wrote a letter to the teacher stating my diagnosis, which I called “Aliveabetes” because I HATED Diabetes had “Die” in it.

I also realized through this time my true strength and perseverance. You literally have to teach your body when you have low blood sugar, when you feel you are high and need insulin. It was very hard to adjust but I did nonetheless. It was also very hard for me to accept this for the rest of my life and I always felt so shameful, still kind of do. I also realized my hatred for the school nurse or anyone annoying wanting to touch me. There was no touching me. I would willingly test my blood sugar under my jacket in school surrounded by people because it inconvenienced me to go to the bathroom just to test. The school nurse once called my mother berating me because I wasn’t the kid willingly going to the nurse’s office to get out of class. No, it annoyed me to be bothered and then to be gawked at or had all this attention on me, I couldn’t stand it…. And I refused to allow it, even at 5, 6 years old and until I graduated grammar school. I never make a big deal about it, even being in school. The principle luckily told the nurse to leave me alone. My mother had to write notes not to even speak to me or bother me. Because I knew very well what I was doing and there was no way, absolutely no way I would allow a “school nurse” to tell me how I felt… Or what I needed. Writing about this now makes me proud. I didn’t take no shit from anybody, and I still don’t. Especially when it comes to the Diabetes.

I received an insulin pump when I was in 7th grade and 7 hellish years later, I willingly took myself off of it and went back to constant insulin injections, which I would rather do over a pump over anything. If they told me tomorrow, I needed to be on a pump or else, I would tell them to go shove it. It was just not for me. It was uncomfortable having something underneath your skin(I always injected it into my stomach for three days) and then take it out and find a new place. The tape itched, pulled, did everything you didn’t want it to do. Picture having and feeling a piece of plastic underneath your skin, 24/7. I had to shower with it, sleep with it, even swim in a pool with it, of course the exception that I would detach the machine from my 18 inch tubing. It was a nightmare.

I will always remember the first night I slept without the pump. I felt free..and comfortable. The pump was supposed to make me feel more comfortable and my blood sugars more in range. It actually made them worse. It would constantly beep or tell me I had no insulin delivery, which meant I would need to change the site. The site alone was a wound. Luckily that was one of the things I got so great with taking care of. I would drown the spot in neosporin and vitamin E and within a day it would be healed.

It killed my confidence, my ability to feel beautiful on the outside and wanting to wear bathing suits, ever again. I’m still so self conscious.

Dating was interesting being a Diabetic. Most didn’t understand it. Many asked stupid, ignorant questions like if I ate too much chocolate as a kid or because I was a fat five year old. No and no were my answers. My biggest pet peeve was when people say they just hate needles and would die if they had to inject themselves. So ignorant. Yes, I just love stabbing myself with needles and pricking my fingers to test my blood sugar. But if I don’t, I’m dead. Way to go. Luckily, I got really blessed with the man that is in my life now and I am forever grateful to him. He was willing to give me my injections, or running downstairs to get me orange juice…. And the best thing was showing him my meter with a blood sugar of 63, and him calmly and nonchalantly saying,” okay let’s go downstairs.” He doesn’t make a big deal of it because he knows, without me even telling him, how much I hate being the center of attention, especially Diabetes related. He just does what he needs to do to help me.

I am always open to answering questions and empowering facts and being an inspiration. Sometimes I wish people asked me more things sometimes.

24 + years later, it’s an everyday battle but I refuse to let it kill me. The eating everything in sight lows to drinking what feels like an entire ocean when high and being so sleepy. I’ve literally been so low, I have almost died. I would stick a cookie in my mouth and I would tell myself no, I will not let this kill me. I’ve had a lot of highs, all too often and I pray someday it’ll be more in control.

I hope I can be an inspiration to someone someday. I’ve been rock bottom more times but the only way to come back is to go up.

My yearly anniversary ritual with my family is to go buy vanilla sundaes with strawberries. I used to test everyone’s blood sugar when I was younger. Everyone hated it but at least they got to semi-feel what I endure every day of my life. Sometimes it helps when your loved ones take the pain away even if it’s just a little bit.

Cheers to a good life and to finding a cure. Either day my fellow diabetics, you’re all my heroes. We are purely badass.

“It’s amazing. The love inside, you take it with you.”

I went to a nail salon with my mom and Ma(my grandma). I was so sad and Ma said to me, “there’s someone in the back waiting for you”.  I looked at her puzzled wondering who she was talking about. I started to walk towards the back of the salon and there was my Uncle, who I hadn’t seen in what seemed like forever, getting a pedicure….happily. I think I ran like a cheetah the last few feet to go and hug him. My sunglasses even fell in the tub… I was so happy to see him. I hugged him so tight and he was hugging me swaying back and forth like you do when you really miss someone. He was laughing, he was happy and I could feel all the love for him…..




Then I woke up. It was all a dream. My arms ached feeling like I had just held you in my arms hugging you. But it felt so good to hug you in what felt like forever since I had last said goodbye.

That was my first vivid dream I had of you about nine years ago right after you had passed away. I was so happy I dreamt of you. Right after you died, I was seeing your face in other people, I was feeling your presence, it all felt so real. And then to dream that wonderfulness of a dream, I woke up…. to realize it was just a dream. But a dream I’d remember forever. I remembered the heartbreak and the sheer pain that engulfs your body in when you lose someone you love so much.

My Uncle was so incredible…one hell of a person.

It’s been nine years. You suffered through so much those last four months in that lousy hospital. You looked so good at your funeral. I had hoped and prayed you were at peace in no more pain, but I’m still forever haunted I wasn’t there. I remember how sad I felt knowing you had jumped over the finish line and then never came back, it still bothers me. You wore a navy blue suit and I still can’t believe they couldn’t fit your shoes on so they placed them next to your feet.

I miss you, I speak of you often and I take you on all of the adventures I go on and I will do that for as long as I live. Thank you for giving me the honor to know you. I was 20 years old when you died and I was never the same. I still find myself looking for you everywhere I go. Even if it’s a glimpse. Thank you for your constant signs. Thank you for paying attention when I get mad at you for not being around as much. I hope you’ll never really leave me.

I was going to post a poem that I wrote for you and my boyfriend helped me put it all together but I decided I will write it out nicely and save it for you and only you. You’d be so honored. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad but I can’t help but miss you and can’t stand how much you miss out on in my life, especially all the things that’ll happen. But I will try my best and continue to take you everywhere and keep your memory and spirit alive.

I love you. I hope you hear me. And know how much you mattered to me.

I carry a little piece of you everywhere I go. It brings me comfort to feel like you’re there in a way. Give Ma and Pop a kiss for me. Robert is eating well and luckily has found someone to bust his chops like you would always but you’re forever #1 and Andrew is trying to figure out what to do next with his life that’ll make him happy. Mom & Dad miss you and I’ve never looked at a clock the same way ever again. I’m okay, could be better but hoping things will start to change.

When I think about people not liking me for whatever stupid reason or even when they first meet me, I just think of how much we loved one another and how strong our bond is, even after death. Love is forever validated. I’m still honored you had the pictures of me in that stupid little brown dopp bag when you came home to live with us after being in Arizona. I was ten years old and our relationship was forever from that point on. Now at 29, our relationship is and always will be so important to me, just a different kind of forever.

Save me a place next to you. I’ll see you when I’m 105

My love for you is always.

To my Kitty

To My Beloved Kitty,

It’s been four years since you’ve been gone. I miss your sweet face and the sound of your collar as you shadowed me after I was out all night long. I can’t even begin to tell you how many videos I have of you eating, sleeping and me just putting toys all over you innocently asking you why you did that because it gave me immense amusement. I am so happy I have all of those videos and pictures. You were 14 years old and you were more of a best friend to me than some were ever at that time.

When we made the decision to let you go, in fear of you being in agonizing pain in the coming weeks, it was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. But that’s what you do when you love someone, you do it for them and what would make them the most happiest and comfortable. I am so happy I took you outside one last time because it was your favorite thing to do. You were an indoor cat but oh my gosh, did you love the adventures of being outside. I’ll never forget the time I was leaving to go back to school, a half hour away and I put you over my shoulder and started to walk down the stairs before my mom made me give you back haha You let me do whatever I wanted to you… which was usually videotape you doing pretty much anything and everything while I talked to you and told you how much I loved you. I’d constantly put a circle of toys around your body, almost like a way to honor you, as if the toys were candles or a bunch of flowers lol

You are my forever friend and I hope you’re somewhere peaceful frolicking in the sunflowers and cabbage bushes. You were the most to me in such lonely, sad times when the people in my life at the time didn’t even matter enough. You’d sit on my bed all hours of the night and eat cheerios with me while I videotaped and told you I loved you for the infinity time. I will also never forget the time when Ma passed away. I sat on the couch in disbelief and you came and sat right next to me. It was like you were comforting me in your own sweet way.

I love you. I pray for you all the time. And I miss you dearly.



The way to move forward is to never look back

I have learned so much since turning 29 years old at the end of April. I learned my strength and my humility, I’ve come to accept more things that haven’t gone my way and I’ve learned to appreciate and be blessed for the little that I do have that does truly mean everything to me.

I am currently searching for my calling. I’m staying hopeful, praying as usual and counting my blessings because those far exceed the things I don’t have or even need.

I do not have a big friends circle and barely have any family members besides the family I live with and that used to bother me extremely. I get sad sometimes thinking why I wasn’t good enough to have more friends and family but in the end, that’s something that they will have to live with, not me. I realized that I was always and forever trying to change who I was as a person to fit their mold into liking me. Truth is, I’m pretty much who I will be for the rest of my life… and if people don’t want to be my friend then that’s their loss. Most people that I know who I’m dying for them to just notice me are too full of themselves anyways to even take the time to get to know me, especially when we have like 99 out of 100 things in common. But I’m not going to chase you and I am certainly done trying…. it’s their loss that they don’t want me in their life more often. That just means there’s no place for you in my life either. Friendships are supposed to be two ways, give and take. I used to always be the only one sacrificing everything to just hang out. As I’ve gotten older, especially these last few months, I’m so tired of carrying that dead weight around and on me for the last ten years or so. So as I have always said, if you don’t need me then I certainly don’t have a place for you in my life. Even family. Maybe someday I’ll get a solid friend or two but for now, I’m okay. I’m no longer carrying around dead weight of trying to fulfill what everybody else wants me to be. As far as my family goes, their loss as well. I hope there will come a time when certain people come forward to apologize for betraying me and I do believe and pray for the best of themselves and maybe I will forgive them, but for now, their loss. There was absolutely zero reason for you to walk out on my life but that’s not my weight to carry around anymore. Bye for now.

As for my personal life, I am blessed. I am thankful. That part of my life is a pure dream. To have found someone who is just like me, and just loves me for me, my whole being and I don’t have to mold anything for him to love me. He makes me laugh every day and is just soul goodness and love. Thank you for allowing me to love you unconditionally. I promise I’ll take care of you forever. You re my true best friend and have been there with me through everything.

The last two times I have gone to the gym, I have felt incredible. I hope I can continue the streak and it will start to make me feel more better. I am looking forward to the future. Thank you God for my endless amount of blessings.

Joy and peace.

I can’t believe he picked me

A lot of my blog has been about love, finding the right one, not taking shit from anyone and being the best you can be.

This post is dedicated to those who are still trying to find their one. It took me 27 years to find mine and I still cannot believe he has picked me every single day for the last year and a half.

Life is so short. I wish he and I were able to live forever but I do know that our love will live beyond forever. And if I can’t get a single thing right, he is what I got right. I got so lucky to have him in my life. And I think about all the people who miss out on that one opportunity to find their soulmate. That one chance to go out on a date, or take a phone call or even answer back a text. I think of all of you and hope you find the one you’re meant to be with. Because it truly is what makes life worth everything hard you’ve ever been through.

I was looking through all the pictures and videos from the last year and a half to make a video for our anniversary and I am so happy I have all of these incredible memories to look back on… most of the time cry laughing because they were so funny. And in every single picture, my face is lit up in pure joy.

A scary thing happened to me about two weekends ago. I texted him basically telling him how much I loved him because I was really starting to get nervous I would not make it out of the situation I was in. I was very, very sick and probably needed to go to the hospital. I was holding up calling the ambulance terrified that someone else would have control over me consciously and I was not having it. I called him up at 5 in the morning and he came to be with me and he stayed, no questions asked. Luckily, I began to feel better, didn’t need to go to the hospital, but my life was changed.

He is what I was chasing after for so many years. For years, I was chasing after people who could care less about me but I cared so much about them and even tried to change who I truly was to fit their mold. And then there’s my boyfriend, my sweet sweet boyfriend. He makes terrible decisions sometimes, most of the time not even at all and I get so angry at him for not being ambitious enough or not trying harder but he is my soulmate and He’s better than any person I have ever known. I know one day things will fit into place.

I know he’s reading this now and hope he has a smile on his face. Thank you honey for being you. For not making decisions and for being a pain in the ass and for making me so mad sometimes I say I’m gonna walk away, but there you are, walking behind me. I could never walk away from you and the foundation we have built together. You’re a part of me and a part of my soul. I don’t care if we live in a shoebox for the rest of our lives. I just want to live with you honey. So we need to get that straightened out. We need to travel the world together honey. Take more pictures and see things not many people get to witness. Because you’ve given me something many people don’t get to experience…. you’ve given me true, unconditional, thinks I am beautiful, laughing until my face hurts or I’m crying, coffee dates all the time, waking up extra early to watch the sunrise type of love.

You’re it for me. If it takes another 10 years until we get married then whatever. I just want to be with you. I’m terrified to lose you but I guess that’s the sucky thing when you fall in love with someone. You stand by them through everything, the good and the ugly, the laughter and the darkness.

So thank you honey for choosing me every single day.

To those out there who are waiting for their soulmate, I promise you that it’ll happen. Don’t settle. Live well. And if you’re one of the lucky ones, your soul will hurt a little less than all the damage that’s been done to it being with the right person you’re meant to be with.

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