I can’t believe he picked me

A lot of my blog has been about love, finding the right one, not taking shit from anyone and being the best you can be.

This post is dedicated to those who are still trying to find their one. It took me 27 years to find mine and I still cannot believe he has picked me every single day for the last year and a half.

Life is so short. I wish he and I were able to live forever but I do know that our love will live beyond forever. And if I can’t get a single thing right, he is what I got right. I got so lucky to have him in my life. And I think about all the people who miss out on that one opportunity to find their soulmate. That one chance to go out on a date, or take a phone call or even answer back a text. I think of all of you and hope you find the one you’re meant to be with. Because it truly is what makes life worth everything hard you’ve ever been through.

I was looking through all the pictures and videos from the last year and a half to make a video for our anniversary and I am so happy I have all of these incredible memories to look back on… most of the time cry laughing because they were so funny. And in every single picture, my face is lit up in pure joy.

A scary thing happened to me about two weekends ago. I texted him basically telling him how much I loved him because I was really starting to get nervous I would not make it out of the situation I was in. I was very, very sick and probably needed to go to the hospital. I was holding up calling the ambulance terrified that someone else would have control over me consciously and I was not having it. I called him up at 5 in the morning and he came to be with me and he stayed, no questions asked. Luckily, I began to feel better, didn’t need to go to the hospital, but my life was changed.

He is what I was chasing after for so many years. For years, I was chasing after people who could care less about me but I cared so much about them and even tried to change who I truly was to fit their mold. And then there’s my boyfriend, my sweet sweet boyfriend. He makes terrible decisions sometimes, most of the time not even at all and I get so angry at him for not being ambitious enough or not trying harder but he is my soulmate and He’s better than any person I have ever known. I know one day things will fit into place.

I know he’s reading this now and hope he has a smile on his face. Thank you honey for being you. For not making decisions and for being a pain in the ass and for making me so mad sometimes I say I’m gonna walk away, but there you are, walking behind me. I could never walk away from you and the foundation we have built together. You’re a part of me and a part of my soul. I don’t care if we live in a shoebox for the rest of our lives. I just want to live with you honey. So we need to get that straightened out. We need to travel the world together honey. Take more pictures and see things not many people get to witness. Because you’ve given me something many people don’t get to experience…. you’ve given me true, unconditional, thinks I am beautiful, laughing until my face hurts or I’m crying, coffee dates all the time, waking up extra early to watch the sunrise type of love.

You’re it for me. If it takes another 10 years until we get married then whatever. I just want to be with you. I’m terrified to lose you but I guess that’s the sucky thing when you fall in love with someone. You stand by them through everything, the good and the ugly, the laughter and the darkness.

So thank you honey for choosing me every single day.

To those out there who are waiting for their soulmate, I promise you that it’ll happen. Don’t settle. Live well. And if you’re one of the lucky ones, your soul will hurt a little less than all the damage that’s been done to it being with the right person you’re meant to be with.

Sprinkle your goodness everywhere you go

Pretend you have two mason jars…

One of the mason jars is filled with all the bad things going wrong in your life and everything you wish you can change. The other mason jar is filled with all of the great things in your life and all the things to look forward to.

Now, which one is overflowing? If the mason jar of all the bad things is overflowing, leave it. If you can close that mason jar easily, close it and leave it off to the side.

Now the good jar… is it overflowing? Why isn’t it? Is it doubt? Is it despair? Is it because you’re afraid to enjoy things more our of fear? Or worry? Or pain? Or even angst? Stop.

I can guarantee you that your bad jar of stuff, people would kill to have, even with it overflowing. Because I can guarantee that the bad jar of all that junk that’s making you worried and keeping you up at night, DOES NOT MATTER!

Which leads me into my own perspective.

I am 29 years old. I am currently unemployed. I have a forever health condition that’s under control and has been for the last 23 years. My family is healthy. I have a very stable and loving relationship with a man that I know I will end up marrying. I still have goodness in my heart and the kindness in my soul. I am able to go places and do what I want, when I want without being restrained. I am alive. I am breathing. I still have all the feelings of a human being. But I am not the norm for a 29 year old. Why? Because its other people’s perspectives and timelines that tell me my bad unfortunate circumstances have left me unemployed and unable to provide for myself financially.

I will continue to struggle, to hope, to live the best way I know I can. And I’m going to enjoy my life and not allow doubt, fear, pain, disgust and regrets keep me from achieving that. Worrying is just Anarchy. Don’t let that “bad” mason jar of stuff and things that do not matter anymore keep you from enjoying that good mason jar of joy and laughter and adventures. Let that good jar be the one that is overflowing. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should be doing, where you need to be. It’s your life and it’s okay if you don’t have things together or never will.

When you treat people around you with respect and love and take care of those people who stick by your side through what you deem to be unfavorable, then you’ve won at life. We are all busy on this merry go round of life that we stop to appreciate the seconds that are wasted away just from worrying, from being afraid and from truly living your life.

From personal experience, it takes me so much longer than anyone I’ve ever known to have great things happen for me. It’s just the way it is. I’ve come to accept it over the last year and a half. Find the people who see the sunflowers in you and keep them around. Be grateful for the overwhelmingly good things happening in your life and don’t worry about the rest.

I always think about the people who have it so much worse than I do like young woman who just got told her chemotheraphy for her leukemia didn’t work and now the cancer has invaded more organs and there’s not much more they can do, except to make her comfortable. Now that’s a huge problem and that’s just one example of the worst possible outcome.

So I don’t have a job right now? So I don’t know after all the time what I want to do with my life? SO WHAT? I am loved, I am safe, I am happy with the little things because they add up to the big things. My life is a merry go round of could have, should have, would haves but I will not let those doubts and regrets overtake the goodness of my well being. I will continue, as always, to fight and to keep on fighting, even if I do have to start over every single day.

Let the mason jar of the good be the one that’s overflowing. Don’t allow people being complete jack*sses to you inflict any pain or discomfort on your life. They aren’t worth it.

In a little over a week, I get to see my godson graduate high school. The last time I saw him was when he was two years old. I am elated to see him, to see him achieve such a great circumstance in his life and go onto college and to have a relationship with him that was missed out on for too many years, mostly because I was 13 years old when I was asked to be his godmother and didn’t even realize the responsibilities lol I am happy to be apart of his day and looking forward to seeing him continue growing as a wonderful young man in this very nutty world.

There are so many great things happening this summer as well and I am looking forward to all the memories, the laughing, the pictures, the hope for better, which is really all I could ask for.

Thank you to my One for never failing to stand by my side, for forever making me laugh and giving me so much to look forward to.

I am thankful that my blessings are bigger than my problems.

Never forget that little girl

It’s a few hours left of being 28 years old and I’m happy to say it was the one of the best year of my life. I might be lost and not sure of what’s to come professionally but everything will fall into place.

One of the biggest lessons of the year is to treat yourself the way you would want the 5 year old version of yourself to be treated. I found this wonderful quote:

“Picture yourself when you were five. In fact, dig out a photo of little you at that time and tape it to your mirror. How would you treat her, love her, feed her? How would you nurture her if you were the mother of little you? I bet you would protect her fiercely while giving her space to spread her itty-bitty wings. She’d get naps, healthy food, imagination time, and adventures into the wild. If playground bullies hurt her feelings, you’d hug her tears away and give her perspective. When tantrums or meltdowns turned her into a poltergeist, you’d demand a loving time-out in the naughty chair. From this day forward I want you to extend that same compassion to your adult self.” -Kris Carr

Tomorrow begins my last year of my 20s. Thanks to my boyfriend for assisting in making this year incredible. I’ve more in love with you and so stoked for all of the great things that will happen for us. Thanks for seriously being my rock, for loving me through every type of situation and for never letting me down like everyone else has over the years. You’re my rock and you continue to save my life more times than you ever realize. Thank you for making me fall in love with the beach again(spending the whole day at the beach in West Palm was perfect on your birthday), for continuing to make me laugh so hard, especially if it’s your SnapChats and for not taking anything for granted and thanking every single second for your love and cuteness. You’re my best friend.

Thank you God for giving me life, for allowing me to feel and experience things most will never and for giving me the opportunity to begin every single day all over again.

I’m hopeful for 29. 🌸🥂🍰🎉

 

Hold onto that string

So I just finished 13 Reasons Why on Netflix…. please don’t continue reading since there are spoilers ahead if you DON’T want to be spoiled….

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SPOILER

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Okay.. so Hannah Baker is the main character of the show based around these 13 tapes discussing the reasons and people… who led her to commit suicide by cutting her wrists and dying alone in a bathtub. Clay is the boy in her school who receives the tapes and subsequently goes back in time as Hannah draws out maps and has him go through the circumstances that have led her to her unfortunate and all too soon demise, at the hands of herself. *GULP* The creators of the show and people on Twitter all said you’re either Alex who binge watches the show all in one night… or you are Clay who takes breaks and takes their time to watch because of your heart breaking…. I was like Clay.

The last episode shows her committing suicide which I knew would be shown and I knew it would be graphic. They even warn you ahead of the episode the details… well it was brutal and I was painfully crying watching it…and they showed it all. This struck a cord that makes me hope and pray that whoever watched, doesn’t follow what she does. It’s just so tragic because I wanted there to be hope for her, some sort of light.

Unfortunately she does say in her last tape that she’s going to give it “one last try” so she goes to speak to her guidance counselor. I won’t go into much detail about it but she was sexually assaulted and has no friends who care fully and unconditionally about her and just doesn’t want to live anymore. So she needs a reason, something to keep her going. If it’s not for another day, maybe another week… something. She tells him, without many words the things she’s feeling and how she’s basically numb to everything. He just doesn’t get it. She tries to painfully explain why she’s feeling the way she is but isn’t sure how to put it all together. Before this meeting, she sat there diligently recording these tapes…. the reasons and circumstances people and things broke her spirit, broke her livelihood, broke her heart, even painting the numbers on the tapes with nail polish. And the guidance counselor basically tells her to “just move on” and he fails her. She leaves his office and is so deep in all the pain people and circumstances have caused her that she doesn’t realize is that it does get better.

If the viewers could only go through their tv screens or in my case, my Ipad, and just shake her and tell her NO! Watching her end her life was so raw, so painful and so heartbreaking. I was rooting for Hannah… maybe she wouldn’t end up doing it. Maybe the whole premise of the show (which was also based on a book by Jay Asher) was to make you want to have hope for her, hope for yourself. Maybe people watching feel the same way and she was telling you in her own way on the show that she wasn’t sure but she literally just needed someone to look at her and actually see her, and nobody didn’t. She was in the hallway of her high school and the bell rings…. everyone comes out and nobody looks at her or even acknowledges her presence. She goes to tie up a few things and then goes home….

And then she dies… alone in a bathtub of her blood and water. Her mother comes in to the bathroom, finds her and holds her wailing “It’s okay, you’re alright”. Just so awful. The boy Clay who is actually number 11 on the tapes wasn’t a direct cause for her to commit suicide but he feels it necessary in some way to pay it forward. So he talks to this other girl Skye and asks her to hang out. Who knows maybe she was thinking about going home to end her life? She ends up agreeing and it seems like a nice blossoming friendship is born.

So here is my own story

About 12 years ago I was a Junior in High School. I had a small group of friends, my family was a crumbling mess and I was the glue to keep everyone together. It was awful. Then I started to develop these feelings which I wasn’t sure what they were but these feelings of hopelessness, anxiety and depression. It was no fun. I didn’t want to end my life but I certainly did contemplate the existence of life without me in it. So I wasn’t sure…

I just wanted to talk to someone, anyone who would listen. I don’t quite remember but I think I just went to the guidance office, which was a suite of rooms. When I got there, not one guidance counselor was there. Not one. So I’m like damn, why is nobody here? I’m here just wanting to talk to someone, anyone because nobody at home is there for me and there’s nobody here. So I don’t remember going home but I was like these feelings need to stop. I need help. But I had hope, hope it would get better. Hope there would be a silver lining somewhere even if it would end up taking me years to find it.

Long story short, in the beginning of my senior year I was surprised to see that all guidance offices had Whiteboards on the side of their office doors and I was later told that someone would ALWAYS be in the guidance office suite during school hours. That had brought me immense comfort especially because what if another girl had gone to the office to talk to someone, like I needed, and nobody was there and she went home and killed herself. That needed to change especially because it was so significant. You never know what someone is going through. I was happy they took those steps to ensure that at least they can do everything possible for someone who was contemplating things.

So here’s my advice. Please have hope. Whatever sliver of good you have left, hold onto it. Think of it like a piece of string. It’s so little and you can lose the grasp of it but if you hold onto to that string, you’re okay. You are alive. And I promise you that it’ll get better. It did for me. I wouldn’t have gone through all of the things I have if I didn’t wake up that next day. Some circumstances I have never fully recovered from and probably never will but you just learn to live with these things and always try your best. I wouldn’t have found my one truest love. I wouldn’t have experienced all the beauty life does have to offer you. It takes a lot of patience and hard work to find your own kind of normal peace but it’ll happen. Hold onto that string whether it be real or invisible. Think of that tiny string as an anchor. Think of it as keeping you strong and safe.

Do something and anything to shut off those bad thoughts that are telling you that you aren’t good enough. Because you ARE good enough and always will be.

Find things that make you happy, that bring you comfort. Hang out with people who only bring out the best in you, who WANT the best for you, who love you for the weird person that you are.Find a hobby such as painting, coloring books, swimming, anything to keep your mind occupied. At night time, write down your thoughts. If they’re bad thoughts, write them down and then try not to think about it again.

Don’t take shit from anyone and always stand up for yourself because if you are like me, you’ve put yourself through agony and abuse and it’s gone on for too long.

Be free

Embrace the Uncertainty

This was previously written last year and edited for content.

I, for one, need to follow the advice I give to everyone.

Embrace the uncertainty. 

Instead the uncertainty of things makes me unsettled and feeling like a failure, times a million.

I do have other cards I was dealt that I was extremely fortunate enough to have. A loving boyfriend, air in my lungs and hope. The hope that no matter how pissed off I am after a hard, unsettled night because of what I did or did not do ( and most likely did not do) the sun always does rise in the morning. Thanks Tom Hanks (Castaway)

I have to embrace the uncertainty. That everything I did up until this moment, was exactly what I needed to do and what was meant for me to have a long, fulfilling life ahead. I am about to turn 29 years old. There will be no more time limits.

Society tells you all the time what and who you need to be and if you don’t have it together by a certain age, forget it, you’re doomed. I’ve lost so much time, agonizing over my life’s decisions. I can’t do that to myself anymore. I deserve to be and feel free. Certain aspects of my life have hurt me more than helped me grow and fear has inhibited me from leaving which is what I should have done a long, long, long time ago. But that would have led me to other places and I probably would have never met my boyfriend.

I have such a supportive boyfriend. I am truly lucky. It’s now over a happy year of dating, I could tell him the worst thing(I think is) about me and he just looks at me with ease and is just kind of like “okay, what else hurts?” Anything I tell him about me doesn’t phase him or hurt him (well it probably hurts him that I’m hurting) but he always finds a way to make the worst thing possible, able to live with… and possible. And he makes it okay, each and every time. I’ve even gone as far as saying some really crazy things and he just understands me and deals with my madness. Another sign when you truly know in your gut and bones that you found someone so good, he was actually meant just for you (and yes, it’s possible to find that person). He makes the pain livable, because in his eyes, it’s okay. His opinion means a lot to me and I am very fortunate to have been dealt such an amazing card. He’s my soulmate. He’s my hope to living a long, fulfilling life.

So hope. Hope to better things, being able to be free and embrace the uncertainty. I would love to get married someday and make some babies with the love of my life. I just have to start learning how to be more easy on myself. I don’t give myself any credit for the hell that I have endured over the years. So many times, my life wasn’t truly lived and has ended for me many, many times but I have always prevailed. Nothing in life is set in stone. It’s okay if I don’t have it all together.

It’s okay to embrace the uncertainty.

“The greatest tragedy in life is to believe yourself a failure if you do not follow the path that society demands you march.” -Unknown

Gratitude

I’ve come to realize that people would die to have the life I live.

I am alive. I am breathing. I am healthy. I am in a loving relationship. I have parents and siblings. I have my significant other’s family. I have a medical condition that I have control over.

It’s 10 days until my birthday and I am reflecting upon the last year and last few days of being a 28 year old. I’ve enjoyed it thoroughly, was probably the best year out of all of my 20’s combined.

I am blessed more than the next person next to me. The past year I was unemployed for 8 months, trying to find a job, trying to find my calling. I got luckier when an opportunity arose last summer that I took, scared as ever and broke my own mold to accomplish the tasks presented to me. I sure did enjoy the moments and things I did, mainly do to my boyfriend and the never ending love he has for me all the time. I finally landed a job after that and able to pay my bills, while enjoying the luxuries of life and feeling blessed to do so.

This past Christmas, while enjoying my job, I thought another possibility had forgotten about me forever. I just figured my name had fallen through the cracks and boom, they just forgot. Unexpectedly, I got an email that changed my life forever, even if it doesn’t work out in the end. I am so proud of myself. That is incredibly rare for me to be that proud of myself. I am proud for even considering the possibility, and doing everything I possibly can to achieve the opportunity, especially because not many people are given such an opportunity. Maybe it’s meant to be, maybe it’s not. But I am proud of how far I have done for it and I’ve proven to myself all over again how strong willed I am. I really don’t take no shit from anyone and will do everything in my power to still stand at the end of it, even if I am told no.

Don’t let no or the possibility of being told no stop you or put bad doubtful thoughts in your head. You are the one holding yourself back from more opportunities.

The question I am now faced is that is it really worth it all? Time will tell.

Easter is for my Grandmother

Happy Easter 🐥🐭🌸🥚

Today is for my grandmother who passed away 6 years ago this June and who always let me help her make the Easter bunny cakes. I missed you so much last year and only hope year after year lessens the blow. I am looking forward to today and know you’ll be with me.

I will especially think of the time that you told me you had a boyfriend and he was coming to dinner. I was so upset and didn’t speak to you for days thinking someone was going to possibly take away my place. You were like a mother to me and it’ll always be that way.

The nice guys always win

This post was originally written a year ago by me.

This is an oath to the nice guys. You men have hearts of gold. And if you find a soul just as pure as yours, you’re one of the luckiest in the world. Pick them and love them with everything in you. If you truly like someone, tell them because in most cases, they feel the same way. People settle because they’re afraid of being alone or they don’t want to end a relationship that’s been bad since the beginning. It’s okay to be alone and it’s okay to search until you’ve found someone you’re meant to be with.

This blog post is dedicated to my boyfriend, the rare genuine soul that has touched my life in more ways than he knows. He has saved my life more times than I can count. He’s the rarest of gems and I am forever grateful, lucky and the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I am so incredibly grateful to him for loving me. And that I get to love him, forever.

He has given me a lifetime of adventures being with him.

You truly know that you’ve met the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.

It’s a different kind of comfort. It’s the warmth on your face from the sun. It’s a cold breeze. It’s how you only see him in a room full of people. It’s magic. Real, pure magic. It’s passion and laughter in the darkness.

💕🗝

Ladies, please take my advice and choose the good guy. The guy that’s going to make you laugh so hard your stomach hurts or you’re about to pee. Don’t choose the guy who makes you cry, or doesn’t tell you you’re beautiful everyday, or abuses you in any way or form. Do not choose the bad boy.

Being single isn’t the worst. I loved being single because it gave me a chance to love myself and see what I wanted in someone after so many failed, and awful relationships. I spoiled myself rotten and didn’t settle for anything or anyone less than what I know I truly deserved. There was nothing worse than trying to convince yourself that your horrible relationship was actually good. It only makes you sick and unhappy and if you’re in an abusive relationship, he will convince you that you’re crazy and you won’t find who or what you’re worth with another person.

Don’t ever allow anybody to take away your sparkle and what you are worth. You deserve to be taken out on dates all the time and someone who accepts you for who you truly are and are becoming.

Ladies, You want a guy that will surprise you. You want someone that wakes up everyday wanting to make you happy no matter how small or big it is. A guy that does anything just to make you smile or laugh. You want a guy that makes you giggle when it all just hurts inside from being so hurt and broken. You want someone that will believe in you, support your dreams, and actually follow you when you think it’s better if you walked away. Someone who will make you dream and believe that they are your truest soulmate and the one you will spend the rest of your life being next to, through the good and the bad, through the peaks and valleys, through the laughter and the pain. When you just know. You want to be with someone that when someone talks about them the first thing out of their mouth is overwhelming and and positive. Someone that’s good but also comes from good people… real good people. Someone who listens to you even when they don’t agree with you. Someone who will buy you a vanilla milkshake just because. Someone that pays attention to your reactions to your favorite things or to your reaction from watching your favorite movie. Someone who comforts you and makes it better even when it’s no fault of their own, but because they can’t stand to see you sad for 60 seconds. Someone who wants to support your dreams and who will love you no matter what.

To my boyfriend,

A moment with you is one thousand lifetimes of beautiful goodness and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

There are no words for our love. There’s us…. laughter until we’re crying….making dreams into reality….to being best friends.

People search their entire lifetimes and never find what we have with one another. It’s soul goodness. It’s beauty and happiness in the morning when you’ve had no sleep but you don’t mind because you had the best night ever…. And don’t want to say best night ever because there’s been a thousand of them. It’s a thousand best nights and to more lifetime of adventures together. To kissing and giggling. To harmony and hearing your heart beat for the first time in your life. A reason to keep moving forward. To singing and laughing in the back of a room together in a room full of people.

You’re gold and men should be more like you but I’m happy I have one of the last ones that that knows how to treat a good woman and keep her around forever

That the existence of you isn’t just a fairytale but it’s my life and I love my life even more now because you’re in it.

I love you more than you will ever know.

But else, but us.

This picture is recent, taken on our awesome vacation we went on a week ago for his birthday.

And I still feel and mean every word.

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