“It’s amazing. The love inside, you take it with you.”

I went to a nail salon with my mom and Ma(my grandma). I was so sad and Ma said to me, “there’s someone in the back waiting for you”.  I looked at her puzzled wondering who she was talking about. I started to walk towards the back of the salon and there was my Uncle, who I hadn’t seen in what seemed like forever, getting a pedicure….happily. I think I ran like a cheetah the last few feet to go and hug him. My sunglasses even fell in the tub… I was so happy to see him. I hugged him so tight and he was hugging me swaying back and forth like you do when you really miss someone. He was laughing, he was happy and I could feel all the love for him…..

…..

…….

…………

Then I woke up. It was all a dream. My arms ached feeling like I had just held you in my arms hugging you. But it felt so good to hug you in what felt like forever since I had last said goodbye.

That was my first vivid dream I had of you about nine years ago right after you had passed away. I was so happy I dreamt of you. Right after you died, I was seeing your face in other people, I was feeling your presence, it all felt so real. And then to dream that wonderfulness of a dream, I woke up…. to realize it was just a dream. But a dream I’d remember forever. I remembered the heartbreak and the sheer pain that engulfs your body in when you lose someone you love so much.

My Uncle was so incredible…one hell of a person.

It’s been nine years. You suffered through so much those last four months in that lousy hospital. You looked so good at your funeral. I had hoped and prayed you were at peace in no more pain, but I’m still forever haunted I wasn’t there. I remember how sad I felt knowing you had jumped over the finish line and then never came back, it still bothers me. You wore a navy blue suit and I still can’t believe they couldn’t fit your shoes on so they placed them next to your feet.

I miss you, I speak of you often and I take you on all of the adventures I go on and I will do that for as long as I live. Thank you for giving me the honor to know you. I was 20 years old when you died and I was never the same. I still find myself looking for you everywhere I go. Even if it’s a glimpse. Thank you for your constant signs. Thank you for paying attention when I get mad at you for not being around as much. I hope you’ll never really leave me.

I was going to post a poem that I wrote for you and my boyfriend helped me put it all together but I decided I will write it out nicely and save it for you and only you. You’d be so honored. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad but I can’t help but miss you and can’t stand how much you miss out on in my life, especially all the things that’ll happen. But I will try my best and continue to take you everywhere and keep your memory and spirit alive.

I love you. I hope you hear me. And know how much you mattered to me.

I carry a little piece of you everywhere I go. It brings me comfort to feel like you’re there in a way. Give Ma and Pop a kiss for me. Robert is eating well and luckily has found someone to bust his chops like you would always but you’re forever #1 and Andrew is trying to figure out what to do next with his life that’ll make him happy. Mom & Dad miss you and I’ve never looked at a clock the same way ever again. I’m okay, could be better but hoping things will start to change.

When I think about people not liking me for whatever stupid reason or even when they first meet me, I just think of how much we loved one another and how strong our bond is, even after death. Love is forever validated. I’m still honored you had the pictures of me in that stupid little brown dopp bag when you came home to live with us after being in Arizona. I was ten years old and our relationship was forever from that point on. Now at 29, our relationship is and always will be so important to me, just a different kind of forever.

Save me a place next to you. I’ll see you when I’m 105

My love for you is always.

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To my Kitty

To My Beloved Kitty,

It’s been four years since you’ve been gone. I miss your sweet face and the sound of your collar as you shadowed me after I was out all night long. I can’t even begin to tell you how many videos I have of you eating, sleeping and me just putting toys all over you innocently asking you why you did that because it gave me immense amusement. I am so happy I have all of those videos and pictures. You were 14 years old and you were more of a best friend to me than some were ever at that time.

When we made the decision to let you go, in fear of you being in agonizing pain in the coming weeks, it was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. But that’s what you do when you love someone, you do it for them and what would make them the most happiest and comfortable. I am so happy I took you outside one last time because it was your favorite thing to do. You were an indoor cat but oh my gosh, did you love the adventures of being outside. I’ll never forget the time I was leaving to go back to school, a half hour away and I put you over my shoulder and started to walk down the stairs before my mom made me give you back haha You let me do whatever I wanted to you… which was usually videotape you doing pretty much anything and everything while I talked to you and told you how much I loved you. I’d constantly put a circle of toys around your body, almost like a way to honor you, as if the toys were candles or a bunch of flowers lol

You are my forever friend and I hope you’re somewhere peaceful frolicking in the sunflowers and cabbage bushes. You were the most to me in such lonely, sad times when the people in my life at the time didn’t even matter enough. You’d sit on my bed all hours of the night and eat cheerios with me while I videotaped and told you I loved you for the infinity time. I will also never forget the time when Ma passed away. I sat on the couch in disbelief and you came and sat right next to me. It was like you were comforting me in your own sweet way.

I love you. I pray for you all the time. And I miss you dearly.

Forever,

Me

FAQS

  1. I’m a very true believer in fate.
  2. I can’t stomach watching or hearing anything about surgery, broken bones, removing things etc I feel like I will faint or drop dead. I do have a serious respect for people that need serious surgery and live to tell about the recovery.
  3. I’ve been Type 1 Diabetic for the past 23 years and it still doesn’t get easier. I have learned that I am a pretty badass warrior who has lived through things many would never be able to.
  4. I love my cat Henry so much even though he’s such a jerk to me. He will be four years old this August and I cry every time I think about the day I brought him home. I adopted him a month after losing my fourteen year old cat, who was literally my best friend, so much so that I tattooed his name on my ankle. So Henry wasn’t a replacement but definitely comforted me in the months that followed that heartbreak. The only time Henry is nice to me is when I tell him he’s about to be brushed, or he’s sick and needs to go to the vet and let’s me hand feed him.
  5. I’m not a cat lady, I definitely love kittens and cats, but I do want a puppy someday soon.
  6. I am seven credits short of a Bachelors Degree
  7. I am probably the most sensitive person in the world and most things turn me into a crying pile of mush.
  8. I am very curious to learn Sign Language.
  9. I have very good intuition about people and I am usually always right about what my gut instinct feels.
  10. I always hear music in my head no matter where I go or what I am doing.
  11. I have four tattoos, I want more. I’m seriously one of those women who wants a sleeve but don’t have the chops to do it… maybe a leg sleeve haha
  12. I LOVE rose gold jewelry and can never get enough of it.
  13. My favorite drink is milk.
  14. I have a guinea pig named Penelope. She just turned 4. She’s spoiled rotten, is a pain in the ass but is the sweetest, little thing I have ever seen.
  15. I love having jobs where I am helping people. Hopefully make it into a full time career so I can finally settle down and start a family.
  16. I’m obsessed with re-watching some of my favorite shows over and over and over.
  17. My favorite movie is Winter’s Tale. The perfect amount of Colin Farrell, true love, heartbreak, a magical horse and some stars. 😉
  18. My favorite person in the entire world is Leila.
  19. I have a tendency to live tweet shows or movies and the actors themselves will either like my tweet and or respond.
  20. I wanted to be a police officer but it wasn’t meant to be.
  21. My favorite place in the world is on top of mountain at a lake.
  22. I know a lot about makeup and I have one of the top membership cards at Sephora.
  23. Countdowns are my favorite to an event or vacation that’s coming up.
  24. I have only been to the hospital once, when I was diagnosed with Diabetes when I was 5.
  25. My hatred for doctors is real. I’d rather be stabbed and bleed out than see a doctor. They literally petrify me.
  26. I am a terrible sleeper.
  27. I love journals and if I saw a leather bound one, forget it, I am hooked.
  28. I love writing quotes, quoting movies, quoting lyrics.
  29. I  have really neat handwriting.
  30. I painted my room a few months ago all by myself. I redecorated everything and my wall is basically an album of everyone and everything I love.
  31. Julia Roberts movies from the 90s makes me think of the times me and my mom always went to the movies together because we didn’t have a lot of money when I was growing up so that was a big deal.
  32. If I could be on any tv show it would be Sons of Anarchy.

The way to move forward is to never look back

I have learned so much since turning 29 years old at the end of April. I learned my strength and my humility, I’ve come to accept more things that haven’t gone my way and I’ve learned to appreciate and be blessed for the little that I do have that does truly mean everything to me.

I am currently searching for my calling. I’m staying hopeful, praying as usual and counting my blessings because those far exceed the things I don’t have or even need.

I do not have a big friends circle and barely have any family members besides the family I live with and that used to bother me extremely. I get sad sometimes thinking why I wasn’t good enough to have more friends and family but in the end, that’s something that they will have to live with, not me. I realized that I was always and forever trying to change who I was as a person to fit their mold into liking me. Truth is, I’m pretty much who I will be for the rest of my life… and if people don’t want to be my friend then that’s their loss. Most people that I know who I’m dying for them to just notice me are too full of themselves anyways to even take the time to get to know me, especially when we have like 99 out of 100 things in common. But I’m not going to chase you and I am certainly done trying…. it’s their loss that they don’t want me in their life more often. That just means there’s no place for you in my life either. Friendships are supposed to be two ways, give and take. I used to always be the only one sacrificing everything to just hang out. As I’ve gotten older, especially these last few months, I’m so tired of carrying that dead weight around and on me for the last ten years or so. So as I have always said, if you don’t need me then I certainly don’t have a place for you in my life. Even family. Maybe someday I’ll get a solid friend or two but for now, I’m okay. I’m no longer carrying around dead weight of trying to fulfill what everybody else wants me to be. As far as my family goes, their loss as well. I hope there will come a time when certain people come forward to apologize for betraying me and I do believe and pray for the best of themselves and maybe I will forgive them, but for now, their loss. There was absolutely zero reason for you to walk out on my life but that’s not my weight to carry around anymore. Bye for now.

As for my personal life, I am blessed. I am thankful. That part of my life is a pure dream. To have found someone who is just like me, and just loves me for me, my whole being and I don’t have to mold anything for him to love me. He makes me laugh every day and is just soul goodness and love. Thank you for allowing me to love you unconditionally. I promise I’ll take care of you forever. You re my true best friend and have been there with me through everything.

The last two times I have gone to the gym, I have felt incredible. I hope I can continue the streak and it will start to make me feel more better. I am looking forward to the future. Thank you God for my endless amount of blessings.

Joy and peace.

I can’t believe he picked me

A lot of my blog has been about love, finding the right one, not taking shit from anyone and being the best you can be.

This post is dedicated to those who are still trying to find their one. It took me 27 years to find mine and I still cannot believe he has picked me every single day for the last year and a half.

Life is so short. I wish he and I were able to live forever but I do know that our love will live beyond forever. And if I can’t get a single thing right, he is what I got right. I got so lucky to have him in my life. And I think about all the people who miss out on that one opportunity to find their soulmate. That one chance to go out on a date, or take a phone call or even answer back a text. I think of all of you and hope you find the one you’re meant to be with. Because it truly is what makes life worth everything hard you’ve ever been through.

I was looking through all the pictures and videos from the last year and a half to make a video for our anniversary and I am so happy I have all of these incredible memories to look back on… most of the time cry laughing because they were so funny. And in every single picture, my face is lit up in pure joy.

A scary thing happened to me about two weekends ago. I texted him basically telling him how much I loved him because I was really starting to get nervous I would not make it out of the situation I was in. I was very, very sick and probably needed to go to the hospital. I was holding up calling the ambulance terrified that someone else would have control over me consciously and I was not having it. I called him up at 5 in the morning and he came to be with me and he stayed, no questions asked. Luckily, I began to feel better, didn’t need to go to the hospital, but my life was changed.

He is what I was chasing after for so many years. For years, I was chasing after people who could care less about me but I cared so much about them and even tried to change who I truly was to fit their mold. And then there’s my boyfriend, my sweet sweet boyfriend. He makes terrible decisions sometimes, most of the time not even at all and I get so angry at him for not being ambitious enough or not trying harder but he is my soulmate and He’s better than any person I have ever known. I know one day things will fit into place.

I know he’s reading this now and hope he has a smile on his face. Thank you honey for being you. For not making decisions and for being a pain in the ass and for making me so mad sometimes I say I’m gonna walk away, but there you are, walking behind me. I could never walk away from you and the foundation we have built together. You’re a part of me and a part of my soul. I don’t care if we live in a shoebox for the rest of our lives. I just want to live with you honey. So we need to get that straightened out. We need to travel the world together honey. Take more pictures and see things not many people get to witness. Because you’ve given me something many people don’t get to experience…. you’ve given me true, unconditional, thinks I am beautiful, laughing until my face hurts or I’m crying, coffee dates all the time, waking up extra early to watch the sunrise type of love.

You’re it for me. If it takes another 10 years until we get married then whatever. I just want to be with you. I’m terrified to lose you but I guess that’s the sucky thing when you fall in love with someone. You stand by them through everything, the good and the ugly, the laughter and the darkness.

So thank you honey for choosing me every single day.

To those out there who are waiting for their soulmate, I promise you that it’ll happen. Don’t settle. Live well. And if you’re one of the lucky ones, your soul will hurt a little less than all the damage that’s been done to it being with the right person you’re meant to be with.

Sprinkle your goodness everywhere you go

Pretend you have two mason jars…

One of the mason jars is filled with all the bad things going wrong in your life and everything you wish you can change. The other mason jar is filled with all of the great things in your life and all the things to look forward to.

Now, which one is overflowing? If the mason jar of all the bad things is overflowing, leave it. If you can close that mason jar easily, close it and leave it off to the side.

Now the good jar… is it overflowing? Why isn’t it? Is it doubt? Is it despair? Is it because you’re afraid to enjoy things more our of fear? Or worry? Or pain? Or even angst? Stop.

I can guarantee you that your bad jar of stuff, people would kill to have, even with it overflowing. Because I can guarantee that the bad jar of all that junk that’s making you worried and keeping you up at night, DOES NOT MATTER!

Which leads me into my own perspective.

I am 29 years old. I am currently unemployed. I have a forever health condition that’s under control and has been for the last 23 years. My family is healthy. I have a very stable and loving relationship with a man that I know I will end up marrying. I still have goodness in my heart and the kindness in my soul. I am able to go places and do what I want, when I want without being restrained. I am alive. I am breathing. I still have all the feelings of a human being. But I am not the norm for a 29 year old. Why? Because its other people’s perspectives and timelines that tell me my bad unfortunate circumstances have left me unemployed and unable to provide for myself financially.

I will continue to struggle, to hope, to live the best way I know I can. And I’m going to enjoy my life and not allow doubt, fear, pain, disgust and regrets keep me from achieving that. Worrying is just Anarchy. Don’t let that “bad” mason jar of stuff and things that do not matter anymore keep you from enjoying that good mason jar of joy and laughter and adventures. Let that good jar be the one that is overflowing. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should be doing, where you need to be. It’s your life and it’s okay if you don’t have things together or never will.

When you treat people around you with respect and love and take care of those people who stick by your side through what you deem to be unfavorable, then you’ve won at life. We are all busy on this merry go round of life that we stop to appreciate the seconds that are wasted away just from worrying, from being afraid and from truly living your life.

From personal experience, it takes me so much longer than anyone I’ve ever known to have great things happen for me. It’s just the way it is. I’ve come to accept it over the last year and a half. Find the people who see the sunflowers in you and keep them around. Be grateful for the overwhelmingly good things happening in your life and don’t worry about the rest.

I always think about the people who have it so much worse than I do like young woman who just got told her chemotheraphy for her leukemia didn’t work and now the cancer has invaded more organs and there’s not much more they can do, except to make her comfortable. Now that’s a huge problem and that’s just one example of the worst possible outcome.

So I don’t have a job right now? So I don’t know after all the time what I want to do with my life? SO WHAT? I am loved, I am safe, I am happy with the little things because they add up to the big things. My life is a merry go round of could have, should have, would haves but I will not let those doubts and regrets overtake the goodness of my well being. I will continue, as always, to fight and to keep on fighting, even if I do have to start over every single day.

Let the mason jar of the good be the one that’s overflowing. Don’t allow people being complete jack*sses to you inflict any pain or discomfort on your life. They aren’t worth it.

In a little over a week, I get to see my godson graduate high school. The last time I saw him was when he was two years old. I am elated to see him, to see him achieve such a great circumstance in his life and go onto college and to have a relationship with him that was missed out on for too many years, mostly because I was 13 years old when I was asked to be his godmother and didn’t even realize the responsibilities lol I am happy to be apart of his day and looking forward to seeing him continue growing as a wonderful young man in this very nutty world.

There are so many great things happening this summer as well and I am looking forward to all the memories, the laughing, the pictures, the hope for better, which is really all I could ask for.

Thank you to my One for never failing to stand by my side, for forever making me laugh and giving me so much to look forward to.

I am thankful that my blessings are bigger than my problems.

Never forget that little girl

It’s a few hours left of being 28 years old and I’m happy to say it was the one of the best year of my life. I might be lost and not sure of what’s to come professionally but everything will fall into place.

One of the biggest lessons of the year is to treat yourself the way you would want the 5 year old version of yourself to be treated. I found this wonderful quote:

“Picture yourself when you were five. In fact, dig out a photo of little you at that time and tape it to your mirror. How would you treat her, love her, feed her? How would you nurture her if you were the mother of little you? I bet you would protect her fiercely while giving her space to spread her itty-bitty wings. She’d get naps, healthy food, imagination time, and adventures into the wild. If playground bullies hurt her feelings, you’d hug her tears away and give her perspective. When tantrums or meltdowns turned her into a poltergeist, you’d demand a loving time-out in the naughty chair. From this day forward I want you to extend that same compassion to your adult self.” -Kris Carr

Tomorrow begins my last year of my 20s. Thanks to my boyfriend for assisting in making this year incredible. I’ve more in love with you and so stoked for all of the great things that will happen for us. Thanks for seriously being my rock, for loving me through every type of situation and for never letting me down like everyone else has over the years. You’re my rock and you continue to save my life more times than you ever realize. Thank you for making me fall in love with the beach again(spending the whole day at the beach in West Palm was perfect on your birthday), for continuing to make me laugh so hard, especially if it’s your SnapChats and for not taking anything for granted and thanking every single second for your love and cuteness. You’re my best friend.

Thank you God for giving me life, for allowing me to feel and experience things most will never and for giving me the opportunity to begin every single day all over again.

I’m hopeful for 29. 🌸🥂🍰🎉

 

Hold onto that string

So I just finished 13 Reasons Why on Netflix…. please don’t continue reading since there are spoilers ahead if you DON’T want to be spoiled….

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SPOILER

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Okay.. so Hannah Baker is the main character of the show based around these 13 tapes discussing the reasons and people… who led her to commit suicide by cutting her wrists and dying alone in a bathtub. Clay is the boy in her school who receives the tapes and subsequently goes back in time as Hannah draws out maps and has him go through the circumstances that have led her to her unfortunate and all too soon demise, at the hands of herself. *GULP* The creators of the show and people on Twitter all said you’re either Alex who binge watches the show all in one night… or you are Clay who takes breaks and takes their time to watch because of your heart breaking…. I was like Clay.

The last episode shows her committing suicide which I knew would be shown and I knew it would be graphic. They even warn you ahead of the episode the details… well it was brutal and I was painfully crying watching it…and they showed it all. This struck a cord that makes me hope and pray that whoever watched, doesn’t follow what she does. It’s just so tragic because I wanted there to be hope for her, some sort of light.

Unfortunately she does say in her last tape that she’s going to give it “one last try” so she goes to speak to her guidance counselor. I won’t go into much detail about it but she was sexually assaulted and has no friends who care fully and unconditionally about her and just doesn’t want to live anymore. So she needs a reason, something to keep her going. If it’s not for another day, maybe another week… something. She tells him, without many words the things she’s feeling and how she’s basically numb to everything. He just doesn’t get it. She tries to painfully explain why she’s feeling the way she is but isn’t sure how to put it all together. Before this meeting, she sat there diligently recording these tapes…. the reasons and circumstances people and things broke her spirit, broke her livelihood, broke her heart, even painting the numbers on the tapes with nail polish. And the guidance counselor basically tells her to “just move on” and he fails her. She leaves his office and is so deep in all the pain people and circumstances have caused her that she doesn’t realize is that it does get better.

If the viewers could only go through their tv screens or in my case, my Ipad, and just shake her and tell her NO! Watching her end her life was so raw, so painful and so heartbreaking. I was rooting for Hannah… maybe she wouldn’t end up doing it. Maybe the whole premise of the show (which was also based on a book by Jay Asher) was to make you want to have hope for her, hope for yourself. Maybe people watching feel the same way and she was telling you in her own way on the show that she wasn’t sure but she literally just needed someone to look at her and actually see her, and nobody didn’t. She was in the hallway of her high school and the bell rings…. everyone comes out and nobody looks at her or even acknowledges her presence. She goes to tie up a few things and then goes home….

And then she dies… alone in a bathtub of her blood and water. Her mother comes in to the bathroom, finds her and holds her wailing “It’s okay, you’re alright”. Just so awful. The boy Clay who is actually number 11 on the tapes wasn’t a direct cause for her to commit suicide but he feels it necessary in some way to pay it forward. So he talks to this other girl Skye and asks her to hang out. Who knows maybe she was thinking about going home to end her life? She ends up agreeing and it seems like a nice blossoming friendship is born.

So here is my own story

About 12 years ago I was a Junior in High School. I had a small group of friends, my family was a crumbling mess and I was the glue to keep everyone together. It was awful. Then I started to develop these feelings which I wasn’t sure what they were but these feelings of hopelessness, anxiety and depression. It was no fun. I didn’t want to end my life but I certainly did contemplate the existence of life without me in it. So I wasn’t sure…

I just wanted to talk to someone, anyone who would listen. I don’t quite remember but I think I just went to the guidance office, which was a suite of rooms. When I got there, not one guidance counselor was there. Not one. So I’m like damn, why is nobody here? I’m here just wanting to talk to someone, anyone because nobody at home is there for me and there’s nobody here. So I don’t remember going home but I was like these feelings need to stop. I need help. But I had hope, hope it would get better. Hope there would be a silver lining somewhere even if it would end up taking me years to find it.

Long story short, in the beginning of my senior year I was surprised to see that all guidance offices had Whiteboards on the side of their office doors and I was later told that someone would ALWAYS be in the guidance office suite during school hours. That had brought me immense comfort especially because what if another girl had gone to the office to talk to someone, like I needed, and nobody was there and she went home and killed herself. That needed to change especially because it was so significant. You never know what someone is going through. I was happy they took those steps to ensure that at least they can do everything possible for someone who was contemplating things.

So here’s my advice. Please have hope. Whatever sliver of good you have left, hold onto it. Think of it like a piece of string. It’s so little and you can lose the grasp of it but if you hold onto to that string, you’re okay. You are alive. And I promise you that it’ll get better. It did for me. I wouldn’t have gone through all of the things I have if I didn’t wake up that next day. Some circumstances I have never fully recovered from and probably never will but you just learn to live with these things and always try your best. I wouldn’t have found my one truest love. I wouldn’t have experienced all the beauty life does have to offer you. It takes a lot of patience and hard work to find your own kind of normal peace but it’ll happen. Hold onto that string whether it be real or invisible. Think of that tiny string as an anchor. Think of it as keeping you strong and safe.

Do something and anything to shut off those bad thoughts that are telling you that you aren’t good enough. Because you ARE good enough and always will be.

Find things that make you happy, that bring you comfort. Hang out with people who only bring out the best in you, who WANT the best for you, who love you for the weird person that you are.Find a hobby such as painting, coloring books, swimming, anything to keep your mind occupied. At night time, write down your thoughts. If they’re bad thoughts, write them down and then try not to think about it again.

Don’t take shit from anyone and always stand up for yourself because if you are like me, you’ve put yourself through agony and abuse and it’s gone on for too long.

Be free

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