“It’s amazing. The love inside, you take it with you.”

I went to a nail salon with my mom and Ma(my grandma). I was so sad and Ma said to me, “there’s someone in the back waiting for you”.  I looked at her puzzled wondering who she was talking about. I started to walk towards the back of the salon and there was my Uncle, who I hadn’t seen in what seemed like forever, getting a pedicure….happily. I think I ran like a cheetah the last few feet to go and hug him. My sunglasses even fell in the tub… I was so happy to see him. I hugged him so tight and he was hugging me swaying back and forth like you do when you really miss someone. He was laughing, he was happy and I could feel all the love for him…..

…..

…….

…………

Then I woke up. It was all a dream. My arms ached feeling like I had just held you in my arms hugging you. But it felt so good to hug you in what felt like forever since I had last said goodbye.

That was my first vivid dream I had of you about nine years ago right after you had passed away. I was so happy I dreamt of you. Right after you died, I was seeing your face in other people, I was feeling your presence, it all felt so real. And then to dream that wonderfulness of a dream, I woke up…. to realize it was just a dream. But a dream I’d remember forever. I remembered the heartbreak and the sheer pain that engulfs your body in when you lose someone you love so much.

My Uncle was so incredible…one hell of a person.

It’s been nine years. You suffered through so much those last four months in that lousy hospital. You looked so good at your funeral. I had hoped and prayed you were at peace in no more pain, but I’m still forever haunted I wasn’t there. I remember how sad I felt knowing you had jumped over the finish line and then never came back, it still bothers me. You wore a navy blue suit and I still can’t believe they couldn’t fit your shoes on so they placed them next to your feet.

I miss you, I speak of you often and I take you on all of the adventures I go on and I will do that for as long as I live. Thank you for giving me the honor to know you. I was 20 years old when you died and I was never the same. I still find myself looking for you everywhere I go. Even if it’s a glimpse. Thank you for your constant signs. Thank you for paying attention when I get mad at you for not being around as much. I hope you’ll never really leave me.

I was going to post a poem that I wrote for you and my boyfriend helped me put it all together but I decided I will write it out nicely and save it for you and only you. You’d be so honored. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad but I can’t help but miss you and can’t stand how much you miss out on in my life, especially all the things that’ll happen. But I will try my best and continue to take you everywhere and keep your memory and spirit alive.

I love you. I hope you hear me. And know how much you mattered to me.

I carry a little piece of you everywhere I go. It brings me comfort to feel like you’re there in a way. Give Ma and Pop a kiss for me. Robert is eating well and luckily has found someone to bust his chops like you would always but you’re forever #1 and Andrew is trying to figure out what to do next with his life that’ll make him happy. Mom & Dad miss you and I’ve never looked at a clock the same way ever again. I’m okay, could be better but hoping things will start to change.

When I think about people not liking me for whatever stupid reason or even when they first meet me, I just think of how much we loved one another and how strong our bond is, even after death. Love is forever validated. I’m still honored you had the pictures of me in that stupid little brown dopp bag when you came home to live with us after being in Arizona. I was ten years old and our relationship was forever from that point on. Now at 29, our relationship is and always will be so important to me, just a different kind of forever.

Save me a place next to you. I’ll see you when I’m 105

My love for you is always.

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